i frantically paint myself opaque
even as my eyes light up transparent.
i determinedly close myself up
even as my legs stray apart.
i swear not even to dream
and stay awake in a conscious dark dream.
i want not to bind myself
and yet, find myself inexorably stepping into knots afresh.
i claim that my thoughts are reined in
even as i stray into realms unknown,
i assure myself that i hate surprises
and yet, cannot ignore that give-away quickening
as i gaze at the uncertain road ahead.
i tell myself that i need space
and know that sounds so specious,
when i’m stuffing myself with
thought, desires and doubts in heaps.
why MUST i be fixated
with blacks and whites?
why MUST i stay so confused,
at odds with what i want?